Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

   As a citizen of a Heavenly kingdom, my mind has been preoccupied with the things of that land that seems so far away, yet is so close at hand.
   I feel that, as of late, God has directed my mind and prayers towards the state of this world.  You see, I feel that the Christian's time on this earth is short.  Like, really short.  Like, we're talking maybe today or maybe tomorrow that Jesus will appear to gather His children under His wing.  Then again it could be a while, but ya never know. 
   This thought brings two extremely different emotions to the surface.  On the one hand, I am excited about Jesus coming in glory to get us.  On the other, it makes me a little nervous (translation- scared spitless).  I don't quite know how it's all going to go down.  Like is it going to scare the socks off of us?  Or are we going to be too busy casting our crowns at His feet to care about ourselves?  I'm thinking that we'll be pretty excited to worship Him and the things of this world will "grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace".
     Anyway, these thoughts of His return bring up other thoughts about my readiness to meet Him.  Last year I would have been in agony over this question, but God has taught me a few things since then.  Now I am able to rest in Him and what a glorious thing that is!  My stomach isn't twisted up in knots and I no longer beat myself up and question myself  and pray desperate pleas for forgiveness. 
   You see, I always used to view God as a man with a smile that wasn't quite genuine.  Someone who would promise something, but not come through.  (Yes, I knew better, but human experience had taught me differently.)  I'd heard how He can't tolerate sin. (Which is true.)  How He is a God of justice. (Also true.)  How we need to be working to please Him. (We're three for three.)  I could go on and on.  It felt to me like a LOT of pressure.  I felt like I always needed to be examining myself and making sure that I was pleasing Him in every area.  (Even areas that I didn't know about.  I think I invented a few just to make myself feel like I was covering all the bases.)  If I felt that I fell short of the goal, I would cry and beg for mercy, ask for help, and beat myself up for days, weeks, months, and even years.  I would get up off my knees with guilt hanging over my head and try to do better.  It was a miserable existence.  I lacked peace in my soul.  If I heard a sermon and felt even a little convicted, I would go home and do the above over and over again.  It was discouraging because I knew that there are SO MANY areas in which I need help.  I thought I was following the prompting of the Holy Spirit and I was confused as to why I wasn't gaining the victory.  (Little did I realize that the Holy Spirit is gentle and kind, not harsh and condemning.)  I seemed to continue to do the wrong things, say the wrong things, and think the wrong things.  People would look at me with pity and confusion and I would be tongue tied, unable to clearly explain what I was thinking.  Well meaning folks would try to counsel me.  I would drink it in and try make it apply to my heart (even if it didn't) because I was desperate to be made whole.  I was forgetting that, while God does use people to give wise advice, they can't heal the broken places.  Only God can do that.
   After talking to a couple of Godly women who pointed me directly to the Bible, I was shocked and overjoyed to find that God really means it when He says that He is full of mercy and grace, and love, and a whole bunch of good things.
   I had been trying to figure out the state of my own soul all the while thinking that it was my job to keep it in line.  Imagine my excitement to find these three powerful verses:

"But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you

or by a human court.  In fact, I do not even judge myself.

For I know of nothing against myself, yet I am not justified by this;

but He who judges me is the Lord.

Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord comes, who will

both bring to light the hidden things of darkness and reveal

the counsels of the hearts.  Then each one's praise will

come from God."

1 Corinthians 4:3-5

   Perhaps you are scratching your head right now trying to figure out how this applies.  Read it again but this time take notice of the second sentence.  Paul was telling them/us that he wasn't his own judge.  He couldn't be because not even he himself knew his heart!  I was desperately trying to figure out my own heart and "fix" it.  I can't.  I'm not God.  All my efforts were in vain and it made me tired... literally.  As I said before, I just assumed that this was my part of the salvation deal and that I had to keep my heart in apple pie order. 

   Isn't it great that I don't have to judge the state of my own soul!  Nope, it's not my job!  I can leave that job in the capable hands of my Heavenly Father!  Whenever He gives me a gentle nudge, I can tackle that issue and work through it with His help.  He knows my heart and how much I can handle.  He never overloads me and always allows me to think and pray through things at my own pace.  Sometimes forgiveness or breaking bad habits is a process that can take time.  That's ok.  God understands and gives me the time I need.  My part of the bargain is to pray and work on it with His help.  Can't be lazy, but I no longer feel extreme urgency to "get over" something and make my emotions follow suit... and then get frustrated when they don't.  God sees my attempts, sometimes victories, sometimes failures, hears my call for help, and extends a hand to help me up and give me a love pat.  He helps me to shake off the dust and try again after my botched attempts.  One of the keys I am finding, is to put the failure behind me, learn from it, and go on.  Don't waste time on guilt, it doesn't help and only makes me feel rotten.  Hard to do, but so rewarding when I finally get it right!

   I now have time to lean back in my chair and trust that He will bring to my mind the things that I need to work on.  I'm not scurrying hither and yon trying to figure out where I'm wrong and need help or where I'm doing ok.  What a relief to sit back and focus on one thing at a time!  I am secure in Him! 

   So now when I hear people who make themselves, and encourage others to keep their souls in line, I get a little queasy.  It often comes in the form of questions.  How am I doing in ______ area?  Or am I doing enough in _____ area?  Am I harboring sin in ____ area?  Am I reaching out to others enough?  Do I care about others and their lives enough?  It could go on and on.
   These are not bad questions to ask every once in a while if you feel a tap on your shoulder from the Holy Spirit, but I wouldn't counsel you to dwell on these questions too much.  God is faithful and He will lead you into truth if you will follow Him there.  He knows exactly how much you can handle.  After all, He knows you better than you do!  He is your judge (discerner of the thoughts and intents of your heart) and He will take care of you.  I used to be scared that I would be imperfect in some area and Jesus would suddenly come and I wouldn't be able to go with Him because there was unconfessed or unrealized sin in my life.  Now I know that He always gently convicts and works with me to bring me back into a right relationship with Him.  God is moving us towards perfection, but it doesn't happen overnight!

   Be encouraged, He is doing a good work in you!

*On a side note, you will probably have to endure at least one, maybe two, more blogs dealing with the above verses.  Cuz they're just packed with gold!