Friendship.
How does one go about that?
When I was in high school, I didn't have any problems finding, being, or having friends. I've always been a bit shy in reaching out, but I decided that I was going to overcome that and reach out when it wasn't always comfortable. I knew that I had "arrived" when one of my friends told me that she could easily envision me in my new job as a waitress because, "You're good with people." I was floored! Her offhand compliment gave me confidence and I flourished. I don't think that she ever knew just how much that meant to me.
I began to truly enjoy people. I didn't feel threatened and I enjoyed learning new things about people. It's a time that I look back on with fondness.
Because that's not who I am today.
I refuse to play the blame game. I have made choices that have made me who I am today.
But there have been people who have hurt me along life's way. Where I once looked at relationships as an opportunity to make a new friend or help someone, I now tremble with apprehension.
I know that everyone gets hurt at some point. I'm not some "special case". Maybe it's my personality. I don't know. I got burned and I'm still dealing with the scab. I wouldn't say that it's a scar yet. Still a scab.
Maybe it's fear. I don't know. I'm not sure who to trust. How to trust. What used to be so easy, now comes hard.
My husband looked at me recently and said, "You would never make it as a customer service representative." He wasn't being nasty. He was just stating a fact that I know is true.
How does one go from, "You're great with people." to, "You've got terrible people skills."? I'm not sure, but I think that it involves a lot of pain and frustration mixed with a whole lot of misunderstanding.
I find myself freezing when it comes to making phone calls. I ask myself a list of questions like:
Will this person be annoyed by my phone call?
If I have a question, is it legitimate?
Is there some answer that I'm missing?
Will this person think that I'm stupid and reject me?
Is the timing of the call going to be okay?
Will I interrupt their day?
Will they see me as a hassle?
Often my heart starts racing and I break out into a sweat just thinking about making a phone call or even sending an email. Even if it's just a call to the dentist. I know, I know, I'm probably over-thinking things, but...I've had some experiences...
Anyway, back to the friendship thing. I have a lot of friends. I can go back to my home state and revel in friendships. Make one call and we can easily have a girl party! I love it!
But those are trusted people. People I've known all my life. People who I know love me. People with whom I can "let my hair down" so to speak.
I feel like I'm in the great unknown right now. One of my biggest problems is reaching out. I'm concerned about being a burden. I'm a bit scared of my offer being rejected, possibly even ridiculed. I'm scared to get involved because I don't want things to end badly as they have before. I have misunderstood people and they have misunderstood me and out of that has come great pain.
I'm not exactly sure how to reach out either. Everyone is so different that it is confusing to me just how to reach out and make a friend. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but it's how I feel. Most would advise me to just be myself. But I'm not sure who that is really. (Sigh, I know, that sounds so cliche, but it's true. I'm trying to find out who God has created me to be.)
I think I like people. I know that I need people, but I'm just not sure how to go about making long lasting friendships. I don't want casual friends. Well, I do, but mostly I want a friend who is in "life" for the duration.
I find that I'm terribly lonely. Again, I don't blame anyone. I stink at reaching out. Maybe I've even hurt some feelings with my reticence. I honestly don't know. I'm just trying to figure things out.
One of the hazards about writing a post about something so personal is people's tendency to think that I am crying out for sympathy. I'm not. This is not a bid for "poor you" comments. I want friends who want to be my friend because they like me. NOT because they pity me. Nor do I want people to feel that I need to be handled with kid gloves. That's not what this is about. Sincerity goes a long way with me. Though I have misinterpreted that in the past... Anyway, honesty is the best policy when dealing with people.
I guess the reason that I wrote this is because maybe there is someone else out there who is trying to navigate the confusing waters of friendship. Maybe it is a relief to find that there are other people out there who struggle with this issue.
On a side note, I found that Chonda Pierce the Christian comedian, also struggles with this. After her husband's recent death, she found out that one of her "dear" friends hasn't been a real friend at all. This "friend" has said some nasty things about Chonda behind her back for years. Chonda didn't know. Now she is not only dealing with the death of her husband, but also the betrayal of a close friend.
I think I know a bit about how she feels. It hurts and makes it so hard to reach out again.
I guess that if you are reading this, you could pray for those of us who are struggling with friendships. For those who feel locked in a prison of loneliness. It's hard and confusing.
Well, that's where I'm at right now folks! Hope this didn't depress you, but helped to make you aware of the hurting around you.
