When I was 12 or 14 years old, I ached to serve God. I didn't know what God had in store for me, but I knew that He wanted to use me in some way. I will never forget when the "knowing" came.
I was on our enclosed back porch waiting for the washing machine to finish so that I could switch my volleyball uniform over to the dryer. In my heart I was crying out to Jesus and pleading with Him to use me. I told Him that I didn't care how or where, just so long as my life counted for Him. I was crying tears of desperation knowing that life without Him was worthless and wasted.
As I reached out to brace myself on the washing machine, I caught a glimpse of my red blotchy face in the mirror over the sink. Here I was, a young lady who felt she was ugly both inside and out begging for a chance to be used by the Almighty Creator of the universe. It was hopeless. What on earth did I have to offer? Nothing. I was homely, awkward, too opinionated, and the only talent I seemed to possess was the ability to stick my foot in my mouth.
When all of a sudden, I knew, I just knew that He was in the room. I felt the presence of Jesus in that cold corner of the back porch with the washing machine vibrating as it went through the spin cycle. He was there! As His presence enveloped me, I laid my head on the edge of the sink and cried. A sense of peace and usefulness settled over me and I knew that God had heard my heart's cry. I felt relieved. It was a weight off of my shoulders to know that God indeed had a plan for my life and that He had heard my plea. From that point on, I knew that God was going to use me in some way. I didn't know how or when, but I just rested in the grace that He poured out on me that day.
I spent many nights on my knees in prayer. I wasn't perfect. I still struggled with doubt, temptations, relationships and all the normal things teens deal with. And there were times when I lost sight of God's best for me and chose a lesser path, but I always came back to Him and the knowledge that He was going to use me.
Fast forward to graduation. It was 2001 and I had the world ahead of me. A child of promise, but without much of a clue as to what the future held. I was asked to teach school in a neighboring state. After much prayer, I accepted the job and moved.
The following years were a mixture of joy, pain, frustration, love, and now healing. I won't go into the details. But I can tell you that I totally lost sight of my calling. Or rather, I think that the last 13 years were years of preparation so that someday soon I can fulfill my unique calling. At least that's how I believe that God views those years.
I believe that God was breaking me, molding me into what He wants me to be. This breaking included pain, hard work, and a bit of disillusionment. Not that I think that He made me choose to travel a particular path, but that the road was laid out before me with the trails marked and I chose the way that I thought best. There were times when I had a red flag or two, but I chose to believe man instead of God. I take the blame. Though there were some involved who heavily influenced my choices, they were still my choices.
As I sit here nearly fourteen years later and look back over the years, I am humbled at the hand of God in my life. During the "wasted" years, I cried out to God but repeatedly felt like I had hit a stone wall.
"Why God? Why?" I would ask. "What have I done that You have deserted me in my time of need?"
Silence.
So, I took a few steps farther away from Him and turned to the next best thing. The empty praise of people. It felt good to be affirmed in my choices and I mistook it for the voice of God. I was still a good girl. I didn't do anything outrageously bad or evil, but my heart was far from my Heavenly Father.
I met my farmer in that nearby state, and married him with my heart still in turmoil. My sweet man had gone through a time of depression after having lost his only sibling. He recognized my pain and knew that it was real. He realized that I was suffering, but really didn't know how to help me, so he quietly held my hand and gave me encouragement. At the time I didn't think that he was doing enough for me, but now I see that he was wise. I needed an infallible Savior whose name is Jesus, not empty promises and theological platitudes.
I cannot recount to you the many times of desperation when I cried out to God for a break in the struggle. I pleaded for a ray of hope, an intervention in my situation, and a touch of healing, but none seemed to come. I felt alone and betrayed. My sorrow was deep. So very deep. I can't even begin to describe it. There were those who thought that my pain was a ploy to get attention. It was not. It was a gaping wound for which I could not find relief.
God began to reveal Himself to me in a real way. After the praise of men rang empty and hollow, I finally turned to Him. Many an afternoon for the last 9 years, you could find me kneeling by my chair weeping and crying out for help. I became envious of the woman in the Bible who touched Jesus' robe and became whole. I was groping for the hem of His garment, but just couldn't seem to find it in the dark. I was angry at what I thought was God's absence. Slowly, slowly, with great gentleness, He showed up and began to heal the wound. His sweet presence returned as I let go of lies that I had believed and opened my mind to truth.
God gave my farmer an experience which served to be a small glimpse of the pain and frustration I was dealing with. God showed him how to help me. Many nights my farmer laid beside me late into the night and listened as I wept and poured out my broken heart. My sweet husband saw my deep pain for what it was and came along beside me. He stood up for me. He defended me, and he took me in his arms and told me that he believed in me. God is using my man to bring healing and life. Don't get me wrong, he is not an idol, just an instrument.
I am overwhelmed with gratitude to my Heavenly Father. I am in a different and better place today because of all that I/we have come through. I am grateful to have survived the years of separation from God that were my choice. It's funny because it seems like once you have lost your way, it is a muddy descent downward until you realize that if you don't let go of the mud and fall in to the arms of God, you will continue to slip and slide down into the abyss.
This last Sunday at church the song, "Blessings" by Laura Story was sung. I sat there and cried. It mirrors exactly my story. And the story of so many of you. God, in His infinite mercy, allowed me to be tested not because He is cruel, but so that His strength, and power would become evident to me on a personal level. I can now see just how close He was. Close enough for me to beat on His chest and scream at Him. If I pause to remember carefully, I can still feel His tears as they fell onto my face and mingled with mine. They felt a lot like hope. In spite of the fight in me, He never let me go. His grasp on me was and is great.
I realize now that the calling on my life has had to wait for me to be able to have the strength to carry it out. I had to go through the fire so that I could be refined. I'm not naive enough to think that I have arrived. I'm sure that God has much more life in store for me. But whatever God has for my future, I will be better able to handle it with strength and courage whereas, before I was weak and unstable. I believe that God temporarily grounded me so that someday with His help, I can fly! I now have hope where once I only saw a black hole.
I say all of that to say this, if you are in the fire right now, take heart. He hears our every cry. Maybe it's financial trouble. Maybe it's a longing for a child who just doesn't seem to be appearing. Perhaps it's a sickness or disease that is serious. Or maybe it's the sting of false rumors that you are powerless to stop. Whatever it is, let me assure you that I feel your pain. I ache at the thought of someone having a sick child or an adulterous spouse. I just beg you to remember that no matter how much it hurts, it will always hurt more if you abandon your faith in a God who cares. Hang on to any glimmer of hope. Hold on to the knowledge that He is at work beyond what is visible to the human eye. More and more I see evidence of His hand at work where I thought that hope was dead and gone.
May God bless you my friend. I pray that this song will touch you in the same way that it has touched me. May it give you hope to face the trial in your life. Hold on tightly to the knowledge that God is good. Even in the dark.
autumniie, 7-12-11, Blessings-Laura Story (with lyrics)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQan9L3yXjc
