"I'm sorry honey, Melanie went to be with Jesus last night." My Grandma wrapped her arms around me and held me as I wept for my 4 year old niece.
"Abby is with Jesus now." My friend typed after the premature death of her 3 year old daughter.
I have grappled with God's sovereignty for years. Ever since, as a 9 year old, my Grandma broke the news of my niece's death and again six months later when my other niece was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. Then again several years ago when news of my friend's daughter reached me.
After my friend lost her daughter she would often post things on Facebook about God's sovereignty. She wrote how it was just time for Abby to go to Jesus. She felt that Jesus needed Abby. Quite honestly it made me mad. I didn't understand. I was glad that she understood, but I couldn't fathom why God had to take Abby. I mean, God didn't need her, He doesn't need anyone. Hadn't God seen her struggle to have children? How could He then turn around and ruthlessly rip one of her babies from her? Several years after losing her daughter she nearly died of a sinus infection that got serious. Antibiotics couldn't touch it. And yet through it all she actively sought to find joy and shouted God's goodness in His sovereignty over her life.
Knowing that God is sovereign and loved Abby enough to take her home gave my friend great comfort. Knowing that His perfect plan for her would come to pass even though it could mean her own death, gave her peace. I couldn't understand how knowing this consoled her. It only made me furious. Not at my friend, at God. Her situation left me with the horrifying question, was God in His sovereignty going to take me or mine? I didn't want to leave my children motherless and I sure as shootin' didn't want to live the heartache I saw my sister and my friend living out.
I fought God. Hard.
I am no hero. I am a wuss.
Fear had a hold on me. Big time.
Earlier this winter before the "Rona" was even on my radar, God led me through another breaking. I have never in my life been as desperate as I was then. I thought I might die and the horror of leaving my children motherless haunted me. Death haunted me.
But why? I'm a child of God. I shouldn't have any fear of death.
One day when I was at my breaking point mentally and emotionally, God reached into my terror and tapped me on the shoulder. He whispered, "Either I am sovereign over you and your family or I am not. Will you trust Me?"
I wanted to trust Him. I longed to trust Him, but I just wasn't sure how. I wasn't sure what that looked like. I'm a practical soul. I want to know how this looks and exactly what all it entails. I do NOT like surprises. At all. Ever.
I feel like God has given me some promises in the way of verses for my life. I have leaned hard on those verses in the past. For some reason they weren't cutting it this time.
I cried out for another promise to comfort my heart.
And He gave me some verses. But they were NOT what I wanted to hear... At first anyway.
God impressed upon me to turn to Philippians 1:21
"For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain."
The Holy Spirit said, "Say it. Out loud."
"I don't wanna say it. It terrifies me because, what if You really do want me to suffer and die?"
"Say it. Trust me. You will find peace if you say it and mean it."
"It terrifies me. I can't."
"You have a promise of life from Me. Do you trust me?"
"But what if Your promise means life in Heaven with You and not necessarily here on earth where I can take care of my babies. You're unpredictable like that."
"Say it, love. Mean it."
I was in the process of getting ready for church. I was so, so tired of living in fear. It made me mad. Mad at Satan for enslaving me and causing me to be miserable. Mad at the nagging voice repeating lies over and over, freezing my heart and numbing my mind.
Even though it terrified me, I defiantly threw back my head, spread my arms wide and with tears streaming down my face said, "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain."
Immediately a peace filled me. I can't explain it. I gave up my doubts and fears and looked at death in a new way. God reached down in my wretchedness and gave me a glimpse of how He sees the death of His saints. It's not at all the way we view death. It's easy to get caught up in the sorrow of losing someone we love, or to think about the "could have been's", or "should have been's", and lose sight of the way God views the death of His children. I was finally able to understand the comfort that my dear friend takes in the sovereignty of a Heavenly Father who adores us.
I got a picture in my head of God eagerly waiting to greet us when our journey here is done. He doesn't see it as a sad thing at all! He sees it as a reuniting with a beloved child! Isn't the highlight of all time, going to be running into His arms and hearing Him make a fuss over us? Every longing in our hearts fulfilled, every hurt healed and forgotten in the light of His love! If we could only grasp the enormity of how awesome that is going to be! It is nothing to fear, only anticipate! When God deems it time for me to come to Him, I will be with Him, never to be separated or to know pain ever again! What a grand hope we have!
Then the Holy Spirit told me to read farther in the chapter. It perfectly described what I was feeling. I desperately wanted to be with Jesus. Death in some ways was welcome, but I also desperately wanted to be here for my children.
God used key verses in the rest of that passage to assure me that the promises He has made to me will be kept. But I had to surrender them to Him and trust Him to fulfill them. I don't have to live looking over my shoulder to see if/when He is going to break His promise and crush me. Which is exactly what I was doing all these years.
A few weeks later everything was shut down due to COVID-19. Normally this would have terrified me. But because I had surrendered, I was pretty chill. I mean, I was cautious, but I wasn't terrified.
While I am not an expert on how God sees death, I do consider myself pretty adept at diagnosing fear when I see it. I have lived it and battled it all my life. I am finally overcoming.
This pandemic has brought to light so many fears in God's people. The fear of death/illness being one of them.
Recently a former pastor of mine got up in front of church and asked, "Beloved, if you are a Christian and you are walking in fear during this pandemic, I have to ask you, 'Why are you fearful?'"
Good question.
Why am I fearful?
It's a question I've asked myself hundreds of times.
When I peel back the layers of fear and shake it down to its underwear, fear is merely a stick figure masquerading as a strong man.
The things I fear, are things that God has already conquered. My fear is the product of listening to and believing the wrong voice.
Friends, there is no point in fighting the sovereignty of God. His perfect plan for your life will prevail. Nothing you do can stop it. No "precautions" you take are going to keep you from God's perfect plan for you. God can and will protect you. But if He, in His sovereignty, allows you to contract COVID-19, elaborate safeguards will fail. You can't outwit God. It's simply His will. I mean, don't be dumb and lick door handles, but there is no need to live and walk in fear. If you or someone you love becomes ill, don't listen to fear, trust in God's loving sovereignty. Even when it seems like you are walking in the dark. He will lead you through.
I know of a young husband and father who took every precaution he could, but still contracted COVID-19 and subsequently died. His careful safety measures failed him. Why? Because God, in His sovereignty, deemed that it was his time to go home. I don't have to like it, or even understand it, but I am called to trust in God's plan.
I don't say this glibly. Clearly I have known loss and hardship. The fight against fear is a fierce battle.
I have asked myself a hundred times, "If God took one of my children or my husband to be with Him, would I still love Him? If He took me to be with Him, could I surrender my children's future to God? If one of my children or my husband became maimed or lost brain function, could I still serve God?"
I'm at the point where I think that I can say "yes" to those questions. It has taken me years to get here.
If you are scared of COVID (Which, thankfully has a high recovery rate.) and you are a Jesus follower, I ask you "Why?".
It's easy to give in to fear and even try to justify it, but I wonder if we know how dangerous that is. I do. Fear weakens the immune system and makes it harder to fight illness and disease. More than that, fear is sin. It's a lack of trust. From every angle you examine it, fear is sin. You can't justify it, and you can't cater to it or fear will destroy you and those you love. I know because it nearly destroyed me.
Your most powerful protection against COVID-19 is prayer. Prayer can change the trajectory of your life. Trust Him. Fall into His arms in complete surrender. Ask Him for promises to comfort your heart during these hard times. I think He is looking for a people to be fully surrendered. Maybe that is the purpose of COVID-19, to cause us to lean heavily on Him.
I can't tell you how to handle this pandemic. God has to lead you through this. I'm just telling you that fear is not okay in any form. Fear is sly and doesn't play by any rules. Fear can take on different attributes, it can cloak itself in compassion, and it can even throw Scripture around when that suites it's agenda. It's dangerous. Once fear gets a hold on you, it isn't easy to get rid of. It's a fight, but the tight relationship you have with Jesus at the end of the battle is well worth the struggle.
Fall in love with Jesus. People are looking around for those with supernatural courage in the face of evil and death. Be the face of peace and courage right now! We have eternal answers! We have the hope of heaven, but we can't effectively share that hope when we are cowering in fear like those who have no hope.
Learn to listen for the voice of truth over the roar of the lies.
Be encouraged! Search your heart, be honest with yourself and God. Examine what you're feeling and trace it down to the root cause of your emotion. If the root is fear, expose it and give it to Jesus. To see people walking free of fear is a passion of mine! I hate to see anyone in bondage to fear. Jesus is the answer!
