Looking back, I think that I had totally turned my emotions off. I just didn't feel. People in deep pain do that. I dunno why, but they do.
In the last year, I have felt like a dripping faucet at times. I still don't cry over silly things like spilled milk. But I am instantly brought to tears at the thought of Jesus' pain on the cross. By the knowledge that He did it for me.
I cry at the thought that my sins, as vast and terrible as they are, they are completely and freely forgiven. All of them. And Jesus delights to do this for me. He really does! If you would know some of the horrible things that I've pulled in my life, I'm sure that you'd cringe and turn away in embarrassment. I know that I do. But instead as I stand before my Creator, I am redeemed! He looks on me with love and forgiveness! It's quite awesome really!
As I search the Bible for answers, I find myself crying at what I find. Guys, He really does answer heartfelt cries!
I had been struggling for answers for about a month. My stomach hurt and my heart was doing little flip flops. I went to the doctor and he told me to just give it time and I would be fine. I gave it two weeks and went back. I was a little better, but still pretty miserable.
I had been struggling for answers for about a month. My stomach hurt and my heart was doing little flip flops. I went to the doctor and he told me to just give it time and I would be fine. I gave it two weeks and went back. I was a little better, but still pretty miserable.
Before I went, I prayed that God would show the doctor the problem with me and my stomach. I prayed that He would give the doctor wisdom and discernment. I told God that I would trust what the doctor told me as from Him. The doctor told me that I was fine. This made me happy, but also a little frustrated. I was still pretty miserable. Nothing was helping. Nothing.
I should add that during this time I was having a hard time praying and reading the Bible. One minute I'd be full of peace and the next minute I felt like it was a sure thing that I was dying. Yes, dying.
I went home from the doctor rejoicing that he thought I was fine, but wondering what on earth I was going to do to feel better. I prayed. And prayed. And prayed. My mind was a jumble of confusion. Peace was fleeting and dread was a cold presence on my skin.
A few days after the second doctor visit, I was sitting at the table staring at my food. I had completely lost my appetite. I had even lost a few pounds over the weeks. As I looked at the sausage on my plate waiting to be consumed, I lost it. I just couldn't eat. I was afraid to eat. I didn't know if food was going to hurt or help me. I'm pretty sure I made a salty puddle right next to my peas.
I tearfully called my sister. She listened and asked me if I was having problems in my relationship with God. She pretty much nailed it. We prayed together and as we prayed, God gently showed me some sinful areas that I didn't know existed. I repented for harboring pride, anger, self-pity, and doubt. I told those sleazy little monsters to GO!
I went back to the table and ate my dinner. Then I put the girls down for their naps. I sat in my lazy-boy and had my devotions. As I sat there, God convicted me of harboring unforgiveness with a smattering of bitterness.
I like to write. (No kidding.) So, sometimes when I feel like I'm going to explode unless I have an outlet, I journal. God showed me a few things that I had written and kept because I wanted evidence of what had been done to me and how it made me feel. I just wanted to keep it because if I ever needed to use it someday to prove my point, I'd have documentation. That, and every time I went back to read it, I could rehash everything and be the victim all over again. (This is commonly known as self-pity. It's bad! And I've even heard that it's the super-glue of hell.) I didn't go back and read it often, maybe once a year, but it was enough to make my feelings roil inside my head and heart.
So, I had a burning party that afternoon while the girls slept peacefully. I burned everything that was not helpful to my healing from past hurts. I burned everything that could possibly be construed as me stepping in front of God to be my own defender. I put my protection completely back into His very capable hands. And yes, I cried.
And then, because my eyes hurt, I took a short nap.
When I woke up, the acid fountain in my stomach had pretty much dried up. I was amazed! I hadn't felt that good for a month! I still had some discomfort, but I felt a lot better!
I was still struggling with some surrender issues. This came to a head the next Sunday. Our pastor preached a really hard sermon on pain and how God uses it. I knew that I needed to surrender. So, I did. As much as I knew how, I surrendered. I went forward and again, bawled my eyes out. I wasn't sure that I would be able to stop crying. Did I mention that I am not a crier? I really don't enjoy crying. But this time the tears were healing. They came from a place deep inside of me that I really didn't know existed. I know that sounds cliche, but really, my sobs came from a place that I really didn't want to explore too much. It was a wound that I had tried to cover over and heal myself. As I knelt there and wept, I told God that I didn't want to carry my fears and burdens anymore. I'm just not strong enough to try to stay one step ahead of Him all the time. I'm not smart enough to always be prepared for the next thing that life might (or might not) throw at me. Instead, I just want to lean back into His chest and relax. I want to allow Him to orchestrate, and carry me through the events in my life. Its' SO much easier and less stressful that way.
God has shown me some really great and encouraging promises from His Word through all of this. One is from Isaiah 46: 3-5. (Helpful tip. Personalize it. Put your name in the place of Jacob.)
"Listen to Me, O Jacob (your name), ...
Who have been upheld by Me from birth,
Who have been carried from the womb:
Even to your old age, I am He,
And even to gray hairs I will carry you!
I have made, and I will bear;
Even I will carry, and will deliver you.
To whom will you liken Me, and make Me equal
And compare Me, that we should be alike?"
As I read that, I (you guessed it) started to cry. I knew that God had pointed that Scripture out to me to reassure me that He is still in control over my life. He is my protector and deliverer. He has promised to be with me every step of the way. What a precious promise! Then He goes on to remind me that there is NO one greater or equal to Him or His power. NONE!
Don't get me wrong. I'm still having to make the choice to surrender when bad thoughts come and I'm tempted to despair and give up. One night last week as I was alone in my bedroom, I had to get on my knees and do battle again to give Jesus my fears and realize that He will take care of me and mine. It's hard, and I don't always understand, but I know that life without Him is no life at all. There is no hope. That doesn't mean it's easy though. It's just what I know has to happen.
I'm happy to report that my tummy is fine. As is my flippety-floppity heart. Once I forgave and burned my stash of bitterness, surrendered, and chose to stand on His promises, my physical issues have cleared up. I'm still working through the fear that some of this junk brought on, but with God's help, I'll make it through.
Oh, yeah, one other thing. The old hymn, "Standing On the Promises", is gold. Pure gold. As is the first verse of, "'Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus". I'm serious. Look 'em up. I caught myself humming them when I was struggling with fearful thoughts. As I realized what I was singing, I had to laugh. God put exactly what I needed in my mind to combat the fear! I didn't even have to try! It was all right there! Now don't tell me God doesn't speak to us today!
I'm realizing that my tears are okay. God has given me a soft heart (who knew!) for the struggles of others. I still don't like to cry, and my girls have even added that to the list of things to pray for at bedtime. "Please help Mommy not to cry." It makes me laugh. Not all tears are sad, some are just born of the deep realization of who I am in Christ and what He has done for me. I hope that someday they will cry tears for the same reason.
Don't let the joy and power of Jesus' death and Resurrection be lost on you! Celebrate it all year long!
Happy belated Easter!
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| Okay, so I realize that this picture is pitiful, but we'd already been to church and cooperation was at a low. Plus, we were hungry and the smell of ham was wafting through the house. It's hard to stand still and smile when your taste buds are dancing! |
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