Motherhood

   As I wipe DFOs (disgusting foreign objects) off of my daughter's bedroom wall, I struggle to count my blessings.  Isn't that what you're supposed to do when you're feeling grumpy?  A particularly stubborn booger requires a fingernail to pry it off.  I gag.  "I have a lovely home, plenty of food, a good provider for a husband, I have a Savior Who loves me beyond life..."  I talk to myself to take my mind off of the nasty job.
   It is 2 a.m.  I was sleeping hard, but my baby who has a fever is becoming restless.  I run and get some Children's Advil and go to her.  Her little arms cling to me and she lays her hot little head down on my shoulder.  I rock her for a while even though I know that the longer I'm out of bed, the harder it will be to get back to sleep.  I am tired.  This is the 3rd night like this and it's starting to wear on me.  Not to mention that my oldest had the same thing last week and I am quickly becoming exhausted.
   I am up to my elbows in flour.  I am on a mission to make dinner and my 18 month old decides that she needs her Mommy and will not take "no" for an answer.  About the same time my 3 year old informs me that she needs help in the bathroom.  Both are becoming insistent... at the top of their lungs.  I quickly get frustrated.  I am behind on dinner and I know that I have to be ready when the farmer comes in.
   I shake my head in wonder at how a completely vacuumed and mopped floor can so speedily become crumby and sticky.  It really is amazing how that works.  I think that my children just have to look at the floor and it's covered in dirt.
   As I respond to the 34th request for my time and attention in 15 minutes, I begin to have a pity party.  "I am such a slave.  I am always doing some rotten job for someone.  I'd like just a few minutes of uninterrupted time to actually finish a task for once!"
   You know, it was only 4 years ago that I desperately wanted to be where I am right now.  I wanted children.  But for some reason, I couldn't have children.  We had been working with a doctor, but nothing was helping.
   I cried out to God in agony.  "Why don't You give us children?  We are good people!  We would make wonderful parents!  WHY?"  No answer.  I couldn't figure it out.  For three years we had been following the doctor's orders and trying a few things, but nothing seemed to work.  I knew that God is the ultimate giver of life and I just could not understand what was going on.  Other people seemed to be able to have children for free.  Unwed teenagers didn't appear to have problems getting pregnant.  What's the deal God?
   I really began to look at my spiritual life.  God used infertility as a wake up call.  There were some things that He gently showed me that really needed to be taken care of.  There were some people that I needed to forgive.  There were some beliefs that needed to go.  Things that I had believed about myself and others that just weren't true.  It was hard to believe the truth about myself.  It was hard to get rid of false humility and surrender myself to God, but I made the choice to become healthy spiritually.
    After a few weeks of intense prayer and deliberate time spent waiting on God to show me His plan for me, I became free!  I decided that if God never gave me children, then I would still love Him.  I would still serve Him.  I chose to believe that God is good even though it didn't feel good.  I chose to be content.
   I began to see all the blessings of not having children.  I was able to spend a lot more time with my hubby and a lot more time out in the fields driving tractor.  Both things that I really enjoy.  I was able to go where I wanted, when I wanted.  I began to thank God for where we were in the timeline of life.  I still wanted children, but I quit pining for one.  I quit putting my worth in the idea of being a mom.
   About 5 months later, after much prayer, we began seeing a "high powered" specialist.  Things weren't going the way I thought they should.  So I called the nurse and asked what I should do.  She told me to take a pregnancy test again.  I grumbled.  I can't tell you how many of those dratted tests I had taken over the years.  It was getting expensive.  I moaned about having to "waste" yet another one.
   Just before the result showed in the little window I thought, "Boy, wouldn't I have to really apologize to God for grumbling about the futility of taking a PT if this turns out to be positive."
   Several moments later there were some fervent apologies sent heavenward!  Also some heartfelt "THANK YOU's"!  I ran in and jumped on the farmer who was still in bed.  He was ecstatic!  FINALLY, we were going to hear the sound of little feet going pitter-patter!  Immediately we thanked the Creator of life.

My blessings!

   I truly believe that God wanted me to deal with my sin and He used our childless state to get my attention.  Now, please do not think that because you are sick, childless, or penniless that your sin is the cause.  It might be, but it might not, that's something that only God can tell you.  He will let you know the lesson that He wants you to learn, just ask Him.  I'm just saying that that's how it worked in my personal situation.
   As an added bonus, 15 months after our first daughter, God blessed us with another "free" child.  He not only sprinkles blessings, but He pours!
   Anyway, this Mother's Day, I just wanted to take a moment to remember that being a mother is a gift.  I forget... frequently.  I get aggravated.  I get tired.  I feel sorry for myself.  But even just writing about our struggles to have children has reminded me of the precious gifts that I have.
   It makes me smile even as I scrub urine off of the toilet seat (I thought only boys "missed".) and change the 30,000th diaper and clean up the 6,000th spill or mediate a squabble for the 400th time in any given day.  I am blessed.  Even when I don't feel like it.  (Right now happens to be a time when I'm not feeling particularly blessed.  My children are yelling for me at the top of their lungs.  I have no idea why.  Perhaps I should investigate.  It will only be my 73rd trip up and down the stairs today.)

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY LADIES!

Flowers that my girls picked just for me!