Shopping vs. Shoooooopping

   I have mixed feelings about shopping.  I'm somewhat of a humbug when it comes to shoooooopping.  If we are talking about shopping, well, now that's different.  Some of you are probably wondering what in the wide world I'm talking about.
   "Shopping" is a trip to a big city with the "grab it 'n' go" mentality.  Shoooooopping is when you go and take your time.  I am a shopper, not a shooooooooopper.
   I love my sister.  She is a wonderful person and I enjoy almost everything about her...except her shopping prowess.  She is a virtuous woman whom I should emulate.  She shops around to get the cheapest price and watches for sales.  She blows me away because she knows if celery is a bit expensive or if the toilet paper was cheaper last week vs. this week.  My mom too.  She likes to take her time and think about her purchases before she spends money.  She is very thrifty and likes to make her bucks go as far as they can.  I admire both of them for their careful consideration and their smarts.
  When they go shoooooopping, they like to go to a variety of stores to get the highest quality at the cheapest price.  They like to stop and look at various things.
    I as I mentioned before am a "shopper".
   We set out on a sunny day, the birds I'm sure, were chirping their warning to me.  The flies were biting, which should have been a clue.  I was enthusiastic, and ready to spend some quality time with my sister, her daughters, my other niece, and my mom (aka Gramma).
   I kissed my babies goodbye and gave last minute instructions to the Daddy on duty and waved cheerfully as we drove out the lane.  I sat back and sighed.  A day off!  Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my girls, but a Mommy needs a day off every once in a while to recharge her batteries.
   We were on our way to "Stuff" the second hand store that seems to have everything including that faded and severely battered plastic flower arrangement.  (I mean really.  And they wanted a dollar for it!) 
   I skipped to the entrance, kindly tripped the automatic door and waited patiently for the lot of us to get through.  I took a deep breath and instantly wished I hadn't.  There was a lot of life lived in those store items and not everybody had the most wonderful hygiene.  Whew!
   I made my customary 5 minute sweep of the place.  I determined that there wasn't anything there and was ready to go.  I searched for my clan and was ready to high tail it to the next store.  I found them.  My nieces were just warming up. My sister was fingering all the glassware and Gramma was searching for the nearest restroom.
   That's when reality hit like a flyswatter to the noggin.  I was with shoooooooppers.  I decided to make the best of it and make another 5 min. sweep.  Surely they'd be done by then and who knows maybe I missed something and I didn't want to miss a bargain!  After another reassuring loop through the circle, I was convinced that there wasn't anything there for me.
   By now the smell was starting to make my nose hairs tingle.  I decided to help my sister touch everything so that she could feel that she accomplished her duty at that store and we could move on.  Little did I realize that after the glassware, we were to move on to furniture inspection which was what niece #2 was wanting to purchase.  (She was trying to furnish her newly acquired abode.)  So much for my helpfulness. 
   I decided that a little break for some fresh air was in order.  I wandered outside and was immediately accosted by the hot muggy summer.  I don't do heat very well.  So it was either roast outside or have inflamed sinuses.  I figured that I could take a pill for the sinuses and get over it.  If I started to perspire, I'd stink all day.  (Although, I'm sure that the raunchy smell of the store was going to haunt me for a while.)
   As I headed back in, I was relieved to observe my party going through the check out line.  I think one pie plate was purchased, so it was counted as a fruitful stop.  I, however, was beginning to have a sinking feeling in my gut that this day could possibly be very long.
   After a similar stop at another second hand store, it was dinner time.  It was decided to go to Panera to dine.  I had never been to Panera before, but I had a sneaking suspicion that it served as my brother-in-law puts it, "girl food".  Now I am a full blooded girl.  I am feminine and I mostly enjoy girl things, with a few exceptions like shoooooopping.  Anyway, when I go out to eat it is supposed to be a treat.  I do not appreciate eating something at a restaurant that I can eat at home. 
   I walked into the restaurant and was assaulted by a crowd of people also seeking girl food.  "How bad can it be?" I thought.  As I perused the menu, my heart fell.  It was a healthy menu.  These people wanted to feed me an apple with a sandwich!  Are you SERIOUS?  They actually wanted me to BUY an apple... as in pay money for it!  Can you believe it?  Now I should tell you, I don't really like fruit.  I am getting better, but I would NEVER go out to eat and order anything with an apple in it.  (Not even pie.  I like apple pie if someone else makes it, but I would never spend money on a slice.)  To add insult to injury, they wanted me to pay an arm and a leg for it.  I could always order soup, but as I mentioned before, it was HOT outside so that was out.  I ordered my sandwich and bag of healthy potato chips and was still hungry afterwards. I was seriously considering standing outside with a sign that said, "Feed Me Please", but it was too hot to do such nonsense. 
   Then we were off to the next thrift store.  After wrinkling my nose at the orange toilets and the dilapidated washing machines, we purchased a light fixture and were ready to go.  Upon opening the trunk of the van, niece #1 decided that she wanted her inheritance from Gramma early and waited until Gramma was in a particularly vulnerable position and proceeded to slam the door on the afore mentioned Gramma's poor noodle.  Such a crash it was.  It made my head hurt just to hear the bang.  She got Gramma pretty good I'll give her that, but alas for #1 it wasn't good enough!  Gramma survived the cheap shot and I've heard rumor that #1 is out of the will.*
   Gramma not only survived, but she didn't even suffer a headache, which is a miracle.  We decided to move on to the next round of shooooopping torture.  By this time my feet were sore and my temper was short.  I was keeping them laughing because when my temper gets short, my sister claims that I am, "so funny when I get riled."  I dunno 'bout that, but they seemed to think my problems were hilarious.
   It is important to note that when I am with these women, they have a curious need to be within 10 ft. of a bathroom at all times.  Someone is always in desperate need of this little room, much to my amazement.  They can't all figure out at the same time that they need to "go", it has to be about 5 min. after we are out of range of a restroom.  I was grousing about this to them, and all they could do was laugh in my face.  Yes, I thought the same thing...rude. 
   Now, I am not saying that shooooooppers are bad.  It takes everybody to make this world a happy place.  I just don't have the energy and the patience to stand and look at things that I already know I don't want.  As I get older and have a home to manage, I am getting better at shopping for the highest quality at the lowest price, but I still tend to "bag it" if I know that I'm going to have to run clear across town to look at the same model and compare the price.  (Unless of course it is a larger item.)  I am growing in my shopping abilities, but I've got a loooooong way to go to become a shoooooopper.  To be a real, true, shooooopper, you must have determination, patience, dogged persistence, and rubber bands around your checkbook.  I have none of those. 
   I've been compared to a male in this area.  Males tend to hate the shopping experience.  I don't hate it, but I am a lot faster than most females.  I had a female friend who was like minded as I am, but alas, she moved away!
   Anyway, I highly respect and love my sister, nieces, and mom, and the time was well spent with them.  I'd do it again.  (Although, this time I might take a mask to filter the rotten shoe smell. And maybe a helmet.)  

 *#1 actually loves her Gramma very much and felt horrible about beaning her.  It was totally an accident, I think she nearly cried because she felt so badly.