Silence is Golden

   As one who has a love of words, it's taking me some time to learn the value of silence.  Not everything that springs to mind should be uttered.  It's hard.
   The other day I was in line to receive my food at a Chinese fast food restaurant.  The lady ahead of me had asked for a bit of special treatment and they obliged her.  When she got to the cashier, the young woman didn't quite know how to ring it up and was questioning her co-workers.  The customer explained and the cashier must have felt stupid because she tried to defend herself again and again as to why she was confused about how to price the item.  She just couldn't let it drop.  She wanted the customer to know that she wasn't dumb, but that things hadn't been packaged right by someone farther up the line.  It wasn't her fault that she appeared clueless.
   Lately the Holy Spirit has been showing me that silence is golden.  He's been trying to show me that for some time, but I've not been comfortable enough in my own skin to heed His warnings.  Just like the poor cashier, I've tried to explain myself and it usually ends in utter ruin.  I try to convince people that I'm not stupid, but it only confirms in their minds that I am.  (I'm not by the way, but I can sometimes appear less than "with it".  Hey, everyone has their moments!)
   As I was standing on the outside of this scene looking in, I was struck by how terribly defensive the cashier was.  She really didn't have a need to defend herself, but she persisted.  The customer stopped just short of rolling her eyes at the young cashier.  I just stood there and wondered at the cashier.  What had happened to her in the past that made her bristle at the small misunderstanding?  Had someone (or multiple someones) told her that she was stupid?  Did someone verbally abuse her?  Was she abandoned by those who were supposed to love her?  I dunno.  I probably never will.
   The thing I'm getting at is this- I can identify with her.  The difference is that God has been working on me lately and showing me things from His Word about being silent.  I'm learning too about who I am in Christ.  He values me.  Though some down here may not, He does.  I'm learning to recognize the signs of pride in my life.  I realize that, although some might think that my elevator doesn't go all the way to the top, God knows exactly my mental capacity and He made me who I am and I'm grateful.  I'm becoming comfortable being me.  I'm learning that God enjoys me for me!  Just as I enjoy my children because of who they are.  They are precious, and so am I to my Heavenly Father!
   So anyway, I'm learning to shut my trap and surrender the situation, whatever it may be, to God.  I am allowing Him to be my defense.  I'm learning to run to Him as my refuge.  I'm learning that He really will take care of me.  (Psalm 91)  Sure, sometimes I try to take control and I screw things up, but I'm getting better at letting go.
   What does this look like?  I always ask that question because I get kind of frustrated with pat answers which are sometimes really non-answers.  So I shall give you my non-answer: surrender looks like whatever the Holy Spirit directs in the unique situation I find myself in.  There is not a set-in-stone answer.  Sometimes it's shutting up when everything in me really wants to snap a witty retort.  Sometimes it's speaking up when I'm  scared spitless.  It might be ceasing my works that are good, but maybe not what God has called me to do.  Or it could be that God is trying to get me to do something that is uncomfortable and I don't wanna.  I'm glad that I have the avenue of prayer and I know that God is faithful to answer if I am willing to listen.  I know that sometimes surrender is almost a physical reflex.  I pray and then my body relaxes as I begin to praise.  I choose to remember that the situation in God's loving hands.  He knows exactly what to do.  Then I get my mind off of my problems and onto His goodness.  It's hard at first, but I'm getting the hang of it.
   Can surrender really be true surrender without praise?  It's always OK to open my mouth in praise!  I think that sometimes God is just waiting for us to praise Him before He changes our situation.  How great it would be if I would surrender and praise right away instead of trying to figure things out and sometimes blaming God for my circumstances.  Think of Paul and Silas; there they were in physical chains, beaten and bloody, but when they began to pray and praise, the chains fell to the ground.  It works the same way in the spiritual realm.  Praise makes the chains of doubt, fear, anger, and judgment fall away.
   Recently I found myself speeding to the ER in the wee hours of the morning.  My daughter was in her car seat shaking with a rapidly climbing fever.  There was nothing I could do for her.  I had done all I knew to do.  I had called a nurse who instructed me to take her to the hospital.  As I backed out of our garage, I remembered the lesson that God is teaching me about surrender and praise.  Right away I surrendered the situation to my Heavenly Father.  "God, I don't want this.  I don't want my baby to have spinal meningitis.  I don't want her to have appendicitis.  But I surrender this whole situation to You.  If this is where you want us right now, then I accept it, but You are gonna have to help us through it.  I will follow You wherever You lead.  I know that You are in control whatever comes."  I began to sing and pray (This works because I'm a woman and I can do three things at once!  Just thought I'd get that clarification in there. *sly little grin*).  Peace filled my soul.  We went 5 miles and my girly quit shaking.  We got to the city limits 10 min. later and she was talking more normally.  God had stabilized her climbing fever.  It had not come down, but it wasn't going up either.  I began to praise again!  I took her to the ER and the doctor checked her out.  No spinal meningitis!  No appendicitis!  Praise the Lord!  The kind doctor told me what to do if the fever began to spike again.  By the time we left the hospital, she wasn't running a fever at all.  Her tummy had settled and she was fine!  Her fever came back after the meds wore off, but it didn't get so high again.  I am SO grateful to my Heavenly Father!  It could have been bad, but it wasn't and I'm convinced that it's because I surrendered and began to praise.  I don't want you to think that it's a formula to get what you want though.  It's not.  You have to mean it from the heart.  Your situation may not turn out the way you want, but surrender means that you put total control in God's hands and you hang on to Him for the ride.  Scary, but what else are ya gonna do?
   Complete surrender has a way of changing the way I view the trouble that is sitting on my doorstep.  It removes the disabling fear that makes me feel anxious and helpless all at once.  I'm starting to realize that whatever comes, I am cradled in the mighty palm of His hand.  I can see my name written there.  It's a great comfort. (Isaiah 49:16)
   So, back to the cashier, as I watched her and listened, I felt encouraged.  (A bit sad for her, but encouraged for me!)  I'm no longer that individual who feels it absolutely necessary to convince everyone within ear shot that I'm not stupid.  My worth is not in what others think about me no matter how poorly or good they may feel about me.  Had I been the cashier, I would have shrugged at the mistake and moved on.  I'm growing, but it's a process.  I still mess up.  There are times when my pride gets the best of me and I speak out in spite of the little voice hovering close to my ear telling me to zip it.  And there are times when I burn on the inside because I want to make someone see a particular issue differently.  But I can't make anyone see anything.  It's only God who can do that.  Maybe by my silence I can be more convincing than if I state my case and argue it until I turn blue.  I might as well relax and get out of the way and allow God to work on me and the person with whom I disagree.  Perhaps God is just waiting for me to back off so that He can get to work in someone's life.  He doesn't always need to use my mouth.  He's pretty resourceful!
    As I correct my daughters, I notice that sometimes it's what I don't say or when I shut my mouth instead of belaboring the point, that speaks volumes to them.  I want to be the type of person who is able to make my words count and who can be eloquent in silence.
   Yes, surrender to God works in whatever situation I find myself.  Whether it's rushing to the ER or talking to someone who has a vastly different opinion than I.  Or when pride pushes me to defend myself.  When I am disciplining my children.  Silence is golden and praise is powerful.